See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!
Dating seems to be on everybody’s mind these days.
Getting into an official relationship, finding “the one”, beginning the talking stage, trying to figure out if somebody is attracted to you, and trying to figure out how to be smooth or how to flirt properly.
These are all complicated tasks that go into dating that can cause all sorts of anxieties, confusion, heartbreak, and restless nights. Is this just part of the process?
I do not believe so. I think these negative experiences all come out of approaching dating with the wrong foundation and the wrong approach.
How can a Christian enjoy getting to know the person they will eventually marry?
The Bible does not give clear step by step guidance on dating, but it does give us a foundation that stands in every area of our lives.
I want to propose 6 steps of pursuit that lead back to this foundation.
I believe you must go through these steps before entering into a relationship. This will increase your confidence in the person you choose and will minimize the negative outcomes so many people experience in dating.
When a house is being built the foundation is the first portion to be prepared. What is the foundation we must have solidified in our hearts and minds before we begin pursuing a relationship?
Before seeking after anybody else’s love you must have your identity set on Christ and His love for you.
This could be a whole article alone, but just look at the verse at the top of this post. Do you understand this love? Do you trust this love? Do you value Jesus and His love above everything else?
If you answered no to any of these questions, I want you to explore the love Christ has for His children before exploring anybody else’s affections for you. Perhaps start with meditating on 1 John 3:1 or Romans 5:8.
Why is this so important?
Having this foundation will nearly eliminate the overthinking that constantly plagues the mind of those pursuing somebody else.
“Does he or she like me?”
“Oh no, she opened my snapchat message 30 minutes ago… is she annoyed with me? Are my messages too boring? Am I boring?”
“Who is that guy she hangs out with in her friend group? Does she prefer him more than me? What does he have that I don’t?”
“He always wants to hang out alone. Will he think I am no fun if I insist on only hanging out in public places? I better make a move before he decides to look for somebody else.”
Do any of these thoughts hit too close to home? If your identity is set firmly on the love of Christ, your identity will not be shaken by the opinions and interest of others.
When we overthink we tend to make mistakes. When we overthink we tend to communicate desperation to other people. You are valuable in Christ and all people were made in the image of God. Do not sell yourself short.
Knowing your value in Christ also pushes you away from acting desperately in a way that is unattractive to others.
Having a firm grip on your identity is attractive to guys and girls!
Here is what I mean – something that was huge for me when I met my wife was that after we met I still had to find her.
You see, Tori was so focused on school and God. When I first met her I invited her to an event called Prayer for the Nations. She agreed to go with me. The group prayed together for a country, we all talked a bit, and then we got up to leave. Before I had even left the room, Tori was at the end of the hallway and turning the corner. Why did she leave so quickly? She was more committed to pursuing her studies above getting to know some guy she just met last week. She was so focused on her school work and her relationship with God that I had put more effort into chasing after her… which I admired.
She did not do this to impress me… which ironically impressed me.
Girls, your value is not based on if you are single and if guys think you are pretty. Guys (though they may not admit it) want to hold onto a girl who is not easy to manipulate and does not act desperately. If you want a guy who values you they will chase you first and put up an effort to get to know you and your passions in life.
Guys, you do not have to be with a girl and you do not have to date around in order to be cool. Girls want a man who can keep a level head in all situations. You will freak out and act rashly if you overthink.
Both set of people have wonderful ideas, talents, and passions in life that you should pursue. If you pursue these above some guy or girl you find attractive then you will eventually find a significant other that will care about more than just your body and attention. They will care about your thoughts, your ambitions, and your feelings.
So again, ask yourself the questions about God’s love for you and also ask, “what am I passionate about? What do I want to do in my life?”
I believe that most Christians find a good relationship once they decide to stop looking for it.
The best time to evaluate somebody is before feelings escalate. Why?
Because emotions can blind you from those red flags that can pop up.
If you are already emotionally attached to somebody, you will be too forgiving of behavior that should never be a part of a relationship.
Also, if the expectation of a relationship is not present you will be more likely see that person’s true character come out since they are not in “interview mode.”
Interview mode is whenever a person is putting on their best self (and specifically the version of them they know you want to see) for a potential relationship. Once you are in a relationship or more emotionally attached, the other person will drop the mask, but it will too late for you because of your increasing emotional attachment.
Ask yourself,
“Are they passionate about Christ? How are they obediently following Him?”
“Were they passionate about Christ before meeting me?”
“How do they treat other people?”
“What is their reputation in the community?”
“Do they make people better or tear them down?”
“Are they bouncing from relationship to relationship?”
“How do they talk about their family/treat their family?”
“What are their friends like?”
These sort of questions can help you identify possible red flags that you will want to avoid. It is best to hold off showing interest or entertaining thoughts of pursuit until you have adequately evaluated the person you are attracted to. These questions will also help lead you into the other half of the evaluation stage – evaluating yourself.
“Am I passionate about Christ? Have I been obediently following Him?”
“Was I passionate about Christ before meeting the guy or girl?”
“How long has it been since my last relationship? Am I jumping from relationship to relationship? Why?”
“Did I like this individual before or after they showed interest in me?”
“Would I be willing to wait an extended period of time for this individual?”
“Have I started making more excuses as to why I do not spend time with God daily since meeting this person?”
“Does this person lead me to sinful behaviors, attitudes, or actions?” (Side note: If they are not willing to respect God’s design for intimacy exclusively for marriage you can have NO confidence that they will not pursue sexual relationships with other people while in marriage… so you must say no during the dating period to know that they honor God’s design over their desires.)
These questions will allow you to identify any issues in your heart that will cause you to either make mistakes in the relationship or cause you to hurt the other person. For example, if you only like this person’s attention then the attraction will fade. This will lead to a tough conversation when you end the relationship due to no longer having the feelings you thought you had for that person.
If any of these questions have a concerning answer it is totally fine to go back to step one. Having your identity firmly set in Christ will virtually eliminate these potential issues.
Again, this is important because lasting affection goes beyond physical attraction or how somebody makes us feel. Do you love their personality?
Maybe it is because of my interest in Psychology but I find this evaluation stage to be super intriguing and a lot of fun no matter what the outcome is. People are so complex and interesting! You get to evaluate their character/personality. You get to translate the subtle hints the other individual is giving off.
After the evaluation stage it can become a playful game (and I do not mean the “I am playing with your heart” sort of game).
Something interesting I have noticed with my wife and I is that the memories we reminisce on the most is the ones we made while getting to know each other. Do not let only their character, personality, and looks be the reason you care for them but also the experiences you have together.
However, do not forget that you are still continually evaluating your feelings and whether they have mutual ones too.
If you enjoy the process and remind yourself of step 1 you will not overthink things.
This is more like part 2 of enjoying the process. Every time you encounter this person of interest they leave clues in their interactions with you and so do you.
The exciting part is that the clues can be straightforward or vague. The mystery would be no fun if it was easy.
So, you get to look at the clues you have received, make a judgment, and act. After you decide, “okay maybe that was flirtatious” then you get to decide whether you want to take a risk of flirting back or you can decide to wait to look for more signs of interest (remember you have been going back to step 1 and have evaluated this person for a while). If you receive a sign that makes you think, “okay, I think that showed disinterest” then you can decide to keep doing what you are doing or to withdraw a bit – then you get to see how they react.
What happens next? Do they withdraw further? Fine, that is okay because your identity is not tied up in this situation. Do they take a risk to communicate increased interest? Great!
During that time of waiting you have the Word, prayer, family, passions, and work to invest your time into!
This is all kind of like a game of chess… but even more difficult and a lot more fun in my opinion.
Side note: I personally believe the man should make the big moves. I find this important because it communicates, “I have decided this girl is worth more than my fear of rejection.” To me that is crucial. It is fine to give a guy positive clues all you want, but if the guy does not man up and do something about it, it may mean you need to step back a bit. He may not be able to fulfill the other roles a man needs to in a relationship if he is too timid to make the big moves due to understanding your value.
Take your time enjoying the mystery. The person you find should be worth the wait.
So, you have a firm identity in Christ and you have evaluated this individual for a while. You are currently embracing the mystery. What can you do during this time?
I only know how to explain this with an example. Tori would drink Kombucha from the OBU store all the time and when I first met her I asked what it was and what flavor (I knew there were only two flavors and she told me the only one she preferred). However, every time I would see her I would ask, “ayy what flavor did you get today?” She would always laugh, smile, and call me strange, and proceed to remind me there was only two flavors and she preferred ginger. There are definitely better ways to do this… but if you do this correctly you can create a new kind of greeting that the other person will look forward to each time they run into you. This also singles them out as different from others which could be a clear sign of interest that you could use to signal your interest.
I have a personal belief based both on psychology and experience – infatuation last for about 3 months if not a little longer. Use all of that time to evaluate the other person and your own emotions. If they make a move before then that is obvious or they ask you on a date, it may be wise to consider asking for more time before getting exclusive (though there is nothing wrong with intentionally hanging out in groups as long as you do not act exclusive during those times).
If they are not willing to wait on you with your request, how can you know they are willing to wait on intimacy after marriage?
Or how can you tell that you are not just an option out of many others?
Will they just find somebody else willing to date them?
Are you cherished so much by this person that they will willingly wait for you?
You will never know unless you say no.
I find these step may make the process of pursuit to be an enjoyable thing instead of a scary, disheartening process.
It helps protect against possible hurt and disappointment when things go wrong and can help you to keep a level head when things seemingly go wrong – this definitely aids in the process especially for men.
If we find ourselves losing our cool we may be over invested in the pursuit.
Do not view dating and relationships as the means to find joy. Instead, seek to find joy in the true, sufficient, everlasting source which is Christ.
Once you find this, you can confidently evaluate yourself and a potential partner and begin enjoying the process of getting to know the individual who could potentially become your future spouse. It does not have to be a dreadful experience at all.
It all starts with the proper foundation.
JOSHUA
Joshua is a current resident of Oklahoma, an Oklahoma Baptist University graduate, a husband, a father, and most importantly a follower of Christ who is interested in passing on what he has learned through consistent reading and hearing of the Scriptures and prayer.